Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
