it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
