there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Im part way to drunk.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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