Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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