I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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