Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
