I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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