She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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