My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
