Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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