If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
