I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
