I got her a Nickelback box set.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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