Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
