I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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