Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
