so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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