I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
