rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
