you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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