you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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