Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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