He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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