SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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