Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
