Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
