Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
