your room smells of hookers.
And success
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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