Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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