last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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