I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Are my feet made of real feet?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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