the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
