then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
