Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
