I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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