If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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