Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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