apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
