I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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