i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
