if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
