Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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