just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
