I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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