She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.