Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
