I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
