im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
