I feel like I'm in dance class right now
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
