i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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