I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
