She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
cat food counts as protein by the way
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
