Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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