Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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