My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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