i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize