My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
