Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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