how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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