everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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